Perceptions & Opportunities
In revisiting some of my previous writings, I stumbled upon the topic of perception that gave me pause. A few things I read: “Perception of reality should be continually revised and updated” and “Perception is temporary” and “Perception is subject to either love or fear.”
These concepts took me down a path. How do I perceive my situation now? Where in my life as perception altered my behavior? Two big questions. The last one is a potential game changer for me so I will start with that.
Where in my life has perception altered my behavior? This question immediately takes me in my mind to my family of origin (post Dad’s death). I perceived myself to be different and I don’t think that was too far off base. I am different and that’s ok. However, I also perceived myself to be unheard and unvalued, and that altered my behavior. It exacerbated my differences from my remaining family. I talked more; I cried louder. My emotions always on full display. Theirs were not. Ever. I took their silence as indifference, sometimes as distant. My perception. My identity was established on that perception and I see that there it has remained.
It’s way down there – at the foundation of by egoic-identity now, but it’s there. The little girl that perceives herself to be unloved and unlovable. BECAUSE I perceived myself to be that way as a child.
It has occurred to me just this morning that ‘perception is subject to circumstance.’ So there it is – a way to look at this differently. The circumstances were difficult and we were all grieving without the tools we needed to assist us. What if their response to all of my unrequited feelings was a result of their own perceptions and their own inabilities to make sense of the situation we were in? Actually – that is not a question. I can see that was the case. AND SO – as humans will, I allowed my perception of their reactions to me to become my reality. I built my identity on an untrue belief that I was unloved because I perceived their reactions to have that meaning. Ugh. AND that particular perception was steeped in fear. All that is not love is fear.
So I have carried this around with me – a cornerstone of my being. Clearly I have some work to do in that arena.
Back to the first question. How do I perceive my life and my situation now? I perceive myself to be in a state of flux certainly. As much as I feel like my perception right now SHOULD be rooted in fear, I feel love around it. I see opportunity. I feel protected. I am not looking at or worrying about outcome but the process. The opportunity to heal on several levels. To take the time to nourish myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. An opportunity to BE. To be still and see what comes. To allow others to lift me in thought and energy. These things don’t come naturally to me. It’s easy to revert to my scrappy little former self – when times get tough I can shut down and take care of myself. I’ve done it for decades. This is an opportunity to learn another way. To choose a perception of love as opposed to one of fear. What a blessing.
